Fragments II

Double cough, cough, then try to reproduce!

Let alone mental states, bodily states are impossible to repeat, even right after you've been there.

The best guess for where my mind is now is where it just was.

Training is not futile, but its ultimate goal of perfection would be. Many settle for simply the limit, and they call that perfection (especially considering the body's health).

If you see people close to you doing something, sometimes you will do the opposite, or, in my friend's case, the same thing as a child, and your maturity then becomes your freedom!

Simply how it works.

Only smoke for the sake of smoking, not because you're bored.

Doubt your calling and you lie between the space of sincerity and nothingness.

Hopes/expectations too high, but he just wants to ride as long as he can, could care less about the far future. (Not in terms of work ethic, in terms of attitude) (an interesting case, if someone is jealous of you).

Repetition starts to suck when it takes effort, I mean, repetition is fulfilled when it is effortless.

Why sit in a circle? I mean, who introduced it? To this group and this group only? Someone who wanted a change toward tradition, toward community, but it's not necessary, it's just a nice addition made into a foundational law. It adds stability, so that new things can arise, so it acts as a freeing yet unnecessary circumstance. But it is essentially capitalistic, satisfying all through one means.

AH! Sun Chips! How novel you are! But oh how quickly you grow old! The more new memories I have of you, the further away from your place in my youth you move! That is, unless your place had been constant!

I'm really good at: hiding, making mistakes at the right time, doing drugs.

Stir crazy: "when you just have to leave your immediate environment."

My creativity comes and goes like a landed sparrow, I must make sure to keep this notebook with me at all times, never missing a beat.

When I Write Something Really Good...

When I write something really good, it will be two stories, the first of real experience, the intermission will say, "you think I did this of my own free will? Well, I have another story to tell." As I stare into the ocean I realize I no longer need outside stimulation to get where I want to get...for now! Then the second will go back into the past, and tell my real story...http://varietynow.blogspot.com/ start reading until you see our agreement! It was independently arrived at, which I'm very happy about.

Fetal Breathing Introduction

The Toaist concept of fetal breathing is like a combination of extremes, that is, breathing without breathing. What you do is you hold your breath as long as you can, and, during that breath, you act to your mind as if you're breathing. It gets very intense, very fast, especially if you can contrast yourself with what you were doing a few seconds earlier. It can be enhanced by a) smoking cigarettes b) focusing on the back of your head (not to prolong your breath but rather put you in a more natural state) c) focusing on your stomach will give you a vibrant, quick-fleeting image d) focusing on your eyes will give you the closest feeling to being baby-like (a yearning). My method is to take two inhales/exhales, and on the there as long as possible. There must be more to this process than continually repeating oneself, but I will update when I figure that out. If guilt works the way it is supposed to, it makes itself obsolete.

Cause And Effect

Cause and effect is a very intuitive way of thinking. I will now explain my relationship with this scientific format. Causes which are done by ourselves as a result of our free-will result in a desired effect. Lets take an example from Clockwork Orange: an excellent commentary on free-will: the main character is treated, as cause, and cured, as effect. This major turning point was dictated by cause and effect. One learns to rely on outside sources the moment one's future is saved. This mirrors the use of drugs, and part of the reason I loved them so much was my being attuned with their effects. Now, I have two things to say about the nature of this type of perception. First, causation only comes to mind when we controlled the cause. What caused the cause to cause the cause is entirely unknown. Second, one can never be sure of how much of a cause one needs to produce an effect. This is seen when in Clockwork Orange the main character begs and pleads the scientists to stop with the therapy, yet they won't, because not even scientists know the first time. It is in this case that ignorance is really not bliss! Nietzsche says of causation, "The interpretation of an event as either an act or the suffering of an act." This duality of cause and effect seems to segregate itself when we look at it this way: the main character in Clockwork Orange equates his becoming a better human during his greatest act of suffering. So, as his suffering has the effect of less suffering for humanity, it guarantees that the cause will continue so long as the balance is not met (so long as someone needs his personal revenge).

Working On A Story

I'm currently working on a story which is an interaction between the most peaceful person in the world along with the most violent person in the world. The going has been hard, but I think eventually rewarding.

Why Nietzsche Makes Me Uncomfortable

The way in which Nietzsche makes me uncomfortable is completely unintended, or, rather, a consequence of the way he writes: issues such as duty are brought up but one is unsure of what eh believes its value to be. For me, it puts me in the position of opportunity: to have the strength to put down the book and think for myself. I often find myself dissapointed in my inability to see the rich fullness of what he is expressing. The other thing Nietzsche does, which, on the other hand, is not admirable is how he uses tiny pieces of art to fit his needs without giving an accurate representation of what the piece was about (Deleuze followed and called it virtuous). It is the fragmented nature of art, so as to bring out its best (or most useful) parts. The whole issue of my inability to see the rich fullness of what he is expressing has made itself more obvious when I was writing poetry: that so much goes into so little, that one must understand all the facets of the poetic reality. This means that the poet's personality will become much more obvious to the reader so long as the reader has done a bit of poetry himself.

Fragments I

Relieve? Relive? Which one? One or the other. Prevent, defend, it's all a temporary lapse of time, a game to preoccupy. I want to get to the top, I'm bored of this game. Preconceived notions are reliable, and premature behavior is the standard. How is growth possible within regression? It is unknown. We must go for it all. All or nothing! Inhale/Exhale. Gavin Hale is my replacement in a dream of whatever it wasn't baseball. Has consciousness become so estranged that words take precedence?

Regret and guilt are very similar. Especially in how they cancel themselves out. See, the whole point of regret is to keep someone from repeating history, so if it works like its supposed to it will be preventative in nature. The same with guilt, it is based on a past mistake which you must take personal responsibility toward catharsis.

My old ways refuse to work anymore, which I hadn't really realized, it's time to say, "from this moment forward." This attitude is the least sentimental and least narcissistic attitude I can come up with. I should know, I'm a sentimental narcissist.

I should know, I've been there. I should know, I've done that. I should know, I should know.

Bad jokes are actually quite multifaceted in obvious ways, which lends to appreciation but they entirely lack misunderstanding, which, as Jung says, is crucial to being a Nietzschean philosopher of the future. The spell check says Nietzschean is not a word, I should know, I saw some of Little Miss Sunshine.

Putting non-existent stress on oneself is for me a way to put myself in a place where I can to my best kind of work (in the clutch). But to continue to put on stress without relief and to live in a state of perpetual stress is very bad for anyone! Therefore, one should not necessarily do what one is best at. Built up stress and relieved stress are the two extremes of my bipolar self.
The doctors tell me bipolar disorder is any oppositional feelings, not just manic and depressed. The committee (in the brain) is not willing to make a compromise, it is in a state of listening to itself but getting caught in the feeling of one isn't necessarily more significant than the other.

There must not be all that much too see! If one forgets or refuses to remember, "all" becomes lesser and lesser, until you can put it in Al Gore's lock-box. I feel less like I forget and more like I refuse to remember. All this under the veil that I am constantly trying to understand myself. I must contemplate that which is most deeply wrong with me.

I appreciate all brain food (provided it is digestible).

I want to pay my dues all at once, its tough, but thats the way I wish it were.

Flies have consciousness of space-time.

What is the key to life? Adaptation; staring at the horizon. Why I love the beach? The tides are regulated by an unseen force, each wave is powerful and different. I feel like eternity is more unattainable than haunting now-days. There is much less urgency, but my most important goals have not yet been reached.

My useful lie: telling myself I'll be out in 30 days.

The fan mirrors the wind, yet is unreceptive, does what it was made for without interference.

A sports fan is like a fan.

Horses probably hate being ridden. When they walk it is both glorious and laborious, huge strides.

I promise not to lose you, journal.

Blog, you can't be lost, I don't like that. You're always around, waiting for me. You should gain my respect rather than demand it, fool.

I don't like the idea of having your senses fit reality either, because how valuable are your senses anyway? The best sensory perception, in that line, is not one that can taste, or, rather, endure the bad tastes and consequently have a huge repertoire, but one which can delicately differentiate let's say, the smell of a good orchid and a great one, which others may not be able to sense!

I'm Back

Sorry for being gone for so long, I've been in drug rehab since the middle of May, and have loads of new material which will be posted here very soon!