The Death Note

I can let you do anything you want
If you let me do you in
You can do anything you want to me
Because I'm letting you do me in
You will do anything I want
Or else I'll do you in
This is a full-fledged reality attack
Wishes granted
Price Matching
The Inflation of ego
The world would be a better place
The world would need to be cold
(We let it go
Only to have it return)

DEATH NOTE

Something in the Way?

Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals Ive trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
Its okay to eat fish
Cause they don't have any feelings
-Something in the Way by Nirvana

The last two lines about eating fish is really the important part of these lyrics. Without them it just sounds like a Red Hot Chili Pepper's song. I take that back, the last six lines distinguish the song, but the last two lines are my focus.

When I was a very young child I painted something with my aunt at her house. It is basically a very post-modern painting, no real form just a bunch of seemingly randomly placed blotches of paint filling up the canvas. There was one thing that stuck out in the painting, and it was what looked like Captain Hook's hook complete with the place where he would put his arm to "hold" it, as if that were possible.


The point is that we had this very large wooden easel to display the painting in our living room. When I was told that we were going to throw the ugly thing out I protested, having grown attached to the inanimate object of my affection. It was a weird feeling because I knew that not only did the easel have no feelings for me, but no feelings about being thrown out at all. Still, my feelings persisted, and as a result my parents decided to keep the easel in its right place. A very good friend of mine once told me that friends are only worth what they give you back, but I would beg to differ. Our feelings for inanimate objects still have a palpable effect on reality and life. This reminds me of a thought experiment proposed by Frank Jackson called Mary's room. One of the ideas in this thought experiment is "that all behavior is caused by physical forces of some kind...mental states are caused by physical states, but have no causal effects on the physical world." Jackson came to understand the problems of this line of reasoning, stating that Mary could very well say the word "Wow," thereby causing sound waves to exist. Part of the draw determinism has on me is the idea that I have been given the reins to a vast network of neurons which I am should try to understand and by understanding control. For example, I have learned that by controlling the breath and the mind I can enhance the functioning of my immune system. I learned this while I was on a drug trip, in which I was in a deep meditative state. The next day, when I looked in the mirror I noticed that the cold sore that was on my lip has caked over five times the size of what it usually cakes over in one day. This sense of control over oneself pours over into the physical world but in a way that can only be observed, not experienced. This is why it is hard for people to believe.

Back to the song. When I consider the lyrics "It's o.k. to eat fish // Cause they don't have any feelings," it make me wonder how we could be so crude. Well, maybe its the fish that are crude, but still. Kurt seems to me to be touching on something very deep here. On one level we know fish have the neurology to feel things like pain and probably a sense of striving to survive, although one could argue that every living thing has that instinct whether conscious or not. Therefore, we know that fish have the instinct for survival but not whether or not they are conscious. This leads me to believe something that I have intuitively felt for a long time: if we can understand our survival instincts we can go a long way to understanding the other (other animals mostly). This is how we are crude: both in our level of understanding and the way in which we may come to understanding. However, the crudeness Cobain really seems to be getting at is the crudeness with which he expresses himself. To say fish don't have any feelings contradicts our idea that fish have the neurology to feel and interact with their existence. But while it contradicts it also falls into place with the very human feeling of the rounding of numbers. My sister and I once did not have a ride home from some place we both were so we had the chance to walk home together. We took it, hell, it was our only choice. On the way home we were talking about God knows what, but this much I remember. As the nine year old older brother and seven year old little sister we approached home and a thought came to my mind relating to not having a ride home. I told her that in Germany they have these things called auto-bahns, in which people are allowed to travel at any speed their hearts desire. At the time I felt like it was a great idea considering the fact that even if the death rate were to double from what we have in the United States it would only double from .0000001% to .0000002%, an insignificant number. And to think, we would get home so much faster! I know this may sound like an almost evil idea to some of you, and it is. You may be wishing that I was that extra fraction of a percentage so that I could see the consequences of my actions, in which case to hell with you you evil S.O.B. Well now I know, this line of reasoning disregards individual suffering. But forgive me, it is a common human error. Think of the fish, for whom suffering is completely disregarded. If you round the feelings of the fish to zero, you are committing my mistake. One thing I have learned in my few years of being able to gamble is that in order to make a good bet you must take every factor into account. It is when you place the bet that you count on "luck," but it is a very calculated risk. Even if the end result is only 60-40 you must do as much mental work as you are capable of. We must be precise, and the results of this precision can be astounding. It is in the act of eating that we tell ourselves fish have no feelings, but is it not necessary for survival to eat? Some may see it as a death trap to calculate the insignificant, but I will tell you that if you do so you will begin to understand the fuzzy complexity of this Earth.

The next thing these lyrics bring to my mind is the idea that it is feelings themselves which keep us from killing each other. When I was young, I knew that I could never be certain that other people had feelings. Sure, they may express themselves thereby making me feel as if they had feelings, but I could never be sure because I could never walk in their shoes. In my mind, it was possible, although extremely unlikely, that everyone could be an amazing computer simulation of themselves, or, more profoundly, something quite similar to me but without any of the same parts. I have found that many people share this same doubt with me, including one of the most brilliant computer scientists to have ever walked this Earth: Alan Turing. The point here being that there are many benefits to knowing other people have feelings and knowing that which don't have feelings (computers or fish). These days I run on the assumption that people have feelings, naturally rounding off the possibility that they don't. I feel like the idea that people could be robots contradicts evolution, which implicitly states that we are slowly organically developed. However, all this scientific evidence could also be made up to make me believe that I'm not the only one experiencing this universe, but there would be no point to that. Just as rounding off is a way of denying the existence of the individual, denying the feelings of the other is a way of denying your own self. If I know that all humans are made of the same organic material then I know that the sense of self is nothing more than a centering of material. What makes me different from you fundamentally is that our centering is distinct from one another and every other. The neurology is very similar, but the thing that guides it is different. I have observed many selfish people and I can't help but think they are in complete denial of something. They know well enough that others have the capacity to feel, but they will do anything they can to ignore that fact. They will rationalize this denial as well as they will deny anything. The reasoning is this: I can't directly experience the emotions of someone else so why should I care about them? Here Kant comes in very well. "The right action is the one which produces the greatest amount of happiness or pleasure for the greatest number of beings." -from Wikipedia. If you don't care for others then others won't care for you, and all hell will break lose. Selfish people will eventually get what is coming for them, only then realizing how terrible it is to be treated poorly by other people.

Cobain's denial of the feelings of animals is one of the greatest denials man has ever entered into. It really stems from the necessity for survival. As we have evolved to understand our fellow creatures we have become over-grown. A being as complex as a human was not anticipated by the evolutionary model, so in order to actively participate in this crude world we must dumb down our understanding of fish and ourselves. By telling ourselves that fish don't have any feelings we are making it O.K. for us to not have any feelings ourselves (toward the fish). If we take this dumbing down to its logical extreme we wonder if it is O.K. to eat each other because we don't share their feelings. One wonders where to draw the line. Knowing that Kurt Cobain is a heroin addict explains a lot here, as it is almost universally true that addicts are trying to numb themselves of the world. But still, I think these lyrics have something to say of all of us.

What's the Difference?

A writer and a reader. A creator and regurgitater. How can I enhance the creativity of a passive reader? I want to know.

Adventures in Disneyland with Recovering Addicts

Here it is, the new, improved, completed Disneyland experience.

†In the holy year of our Lord 2007, I took a trip to the holiest of holy sites, Disneyland, in Anaheim, California, home of the Mighty Ducks, Angels, and everything Disney or on social security, with a group of addicted associates from the prestigious Morningside Recovery. Our original purpose of spreading the message of sobriety to middle-class families on vacation was lost in favor of experiencing everything Disneyland had to offer. The ones who need the message the most are the ones who won't listen, according to A.A., but who needs them anyway?†

I knew things were going south on the ride over when I told everyone, like my uncle had told me years before, that we would be close as soon as we saw the famed Matterhorn Mountain eminently displaying its snowy plastic peak. The smallest mountain in the world can be seen for miles and miles in Orange County, vaguely suggesting to those nearby that Disneyland could really be anywhere, and that to live next to Disneyland is like winning the lottery because it could be anyone, maybe even you. Before I even realized it, we were upon the outskirts of Disneyland, but what I had promised had disappeared: there was no mountainous indicator. As my eyes were forced to evolve from a mountain fixation to watching street signs and parking lots with Disney characters distinguishing each identical section, I realized that in this world of crowd management and maximizing profit it was efficiency that was king. Walt Disney's aesthetic dreams had been dissolved in a sea of overweight adults and their children, who waddled across the parking lot like giant packs of penguins, waiting for their next churro, not noticing that the one thing that exemplified Disneyland was out of sight. I should have realized right then that this return to Disneyland would be no such re-experience of my youth: it would be filled with an abundance of nostalgic symbols that lacked substance. Constantly nagging me to take part is their purpose, but they know not what they do.

Instead of asking "are we there yet?" over and over like little children, addicts say, "I need a fucking cigarette so fucking badly!" Therefore, upon parking, the entire van emptied and then proceeded to light up, cursing and smoking and wondering what was in store for the day. Going down the line of parked cars, one could see that everyone who was not us was a family with small children. Mini-van, Hybrid, Suburban, 15-seat Dodge van with tinted windows, Suburban, Hybrid, Mini-van. Someone had an astrological lighter which happened to be my sign, and since there is always an abundance of lighters, I got my own personalized Cancer lighter from the Time Being or, rather, for the time being.

"Everyone remember where we parked!" says the jolly-faced overweight counselor who blasted the Rolling Stones all the way to the park. One time I found her birth control pills lying indiscriminately in her car and asked her if I could have some of her gum, which got a laugh out of the girls.

"Oh, I never forget those things, Grace," I said, hoping that the sincerity in my voice would relieve her of having to remember that this was Timon's parking lot, judging by the horribly dusty signs that were a result of the recent fires. It was true: wherever my family goes, I am always responsible for knowing where we parked. In this case, the recovering addicts probably needed someone to remember for them, but none of them would necessarily trust me because my skills had not been demonstrated yet. Who wants to wander around aimlessly trying to find the car at the end of the day? Not me, especially not me! Everyone wants to leave Disneyland when its time to leave. Lord knows one day at Disneyland is enough for a lifetime!

Trying to plan your trip to Disneyland can be a disaster because everyone's wants change so quickly that insistence on an efficient and effective plan can make you seem like a power-mongering tour guide. No matter how well you plan, nothing can prepare you for the rapture that one experiences at Disneyland. It is a lot like being high when you get there, with so much going on that not even Jesus could look inwards. To make matters worse for us addicts, planning is not our forte. I knew before we even left the parking lot that there would be certain attractions that so engulfed one of my colleague's attention that we could never get done what we wanted to get done. To be honest, I was really wishing at that point that I could have gone my own way and experienced Disneyland alone, but once we got inside I realized that being alone in Disneyland means certain death of the self and rebirth into a cartoon fantasy of endless consumption.

Upon entering the park there are shops galore, with Disney characters walking around and allowing kids to take pictures with them. Even long ago, there were never any illusions that these characters were real in my young mind, and I always hated to think that the person under the suit was some guy working for minimum wage. If I had had the chance of ripping off his fake head and exposing it to everyone I probably would have, and then ended up regretting it because there would've been some kid who really thought the characters were real. They can't kick you out for that, can they? Do they reserve the right to refuse service to anyone? I probably would have ripped his head off and started running, and if someone had tried to stop me, I would have put the head on myself to see if he knew the difference.

In this world of Disneyland 2007 it was a small world after all. Everything had shrunk since the last time I had been there. As I watched a clueless young father try to comfort his crying baby I knew that there was something disturbing about this place even to the smallest people. I was thinking about the children, I was thinking about the park, but mostly I was thinking about how lucky I was to share something with that child. This something was the fundamental disturbance of having people everywhere and nowhere at once. It was a constant movement of hot bodies always looking towards the next attraction without actually stopped to take anything in. This crying baby could not understand the gravity that is at work on all of these people, and it therefore cannot understand the movements of large masses of people. The nature of the herd in Disneyland is just like any other mass transportation system: everyone is using the same roads or streets or highways but no one is going to the same place (except maybe Disneyland). This child only understood the place where she was, and couldn't see what could drive someone to want to go somewhere else. I sympathized with this near-sentient being because, for the life of me, I couldn't accept Disneyland for what it was, which inevitably requires accepting the experience of being constantly pushed here and there by signs and images. At the heart of Disneyland there was an escape, but rather than being an escape away from normal life, it was an escape towards a supersaturated existence of constant stimulation.

Not many people know this, but Saint Peter actually became a Saint through his security work with Noah on his Ark. His first order of business was to contract Santa Claus to make the list of all the animals who would go on the Ark. In front of Space Mountain they have the same thing set up, except St. Peter is a paid grunt employee of Disneyland who lets people in the fast pass line provided they have a ticket. Santa Claus was quickly fired because if you're even in the park you're a paying customer, so there is no need for any sort of businesslike list when you're dealing with an entire herd of pack animals like ourselves. Noah, upon building his Ark, quit because no one steers an Ark that is aimlessly floating around simply waiting for the flood to go away, or, for that matter, a computerized roller coaster which runs on a track. Besides, he has other Arks and roller coasters to build. Still, the people waiting in line are actually animals, that much is true, and most of them waddle like penguins, that much is very true.

When you've been around me for a long enough time, you learn to let me alone when I start random, digressive conversations with random people. In this case, when I had the extreme pleasure of asking Saint Peter about the background score for this wonderful attraction, my addicted associates knew what I was doing immediately. As soon as I walked up to him, they quickly ran in line so the wait would not be thirty seconds longer.

"I heard that the Red Hot Chili Peppers did the score for this attraction?"

"Oh, that was last year. We went back to the original Space Mountain theme music." I wanted to ask him who made that decision, but I knew that would only expose his sense of powerlessness to himself.

People walk much slower than usual when they know they're about to wait in line for an hour, and that is when you can see their most animal nature. Penguins are really the only way to describe it: shifting their weight left and right rhythmically in what is called waddling in the animal kingdom.

"There's someone behind you," says the person who has turned around to talk to his group face-to-face.

"Hi, thank you," I say, appreciative not of the fact that they're letting me ahead, but of the fact that they're not explaining why I have a right to such things.

After about a half an hour of waiting, we enter the control room and on the main screen is a camera shot spinning in space with stars becoming more dizzying than clear. The mood is actually not that of a space station anymore, it is distinctly the space mountain control room, but my associates have not seen such things before and are looking at me very expectantly. I say, "if you take really tiny baby steps, the line will seem to go faster because you will always be moving forward," and instead of taking my lead, I have to demonstrate for them. When it becomes clear that the line is moving really fast for short periods of time and then stopping, my associates start talking.

"Alex, you're holding up the line!"

"Oh, Blair, it really only appears that way! These people will have to wait all the same."

"The people behind you don't complain to you only because they don't know you."

"Oh, Blair, how can we know that? Think about how happy the people in the back of the line will be when for no apparent reason the line jumps significantly as soon as I get on the rocket."
This "rocket," a name I had found out only due to dreadful circumstances, had a safety bar which clamped down in intervals, and I happened to be of the body width which fell directly in the middle of the intervals. I chose the looser option. As we left the docking bay, the ride stopped. The controller sitting at her computer turned on the microphone and announced over the loudspeaker that was a problem with the ride. The entire time we were stuck I was watching a party slowly develop in the control room.

The party, composed of firemen (the generic emergency response team), line mediators, and the people who say "Thank you for riding Space Mountain. Enjoy the rest of your day," has filled the room to the brim, and must make room for more, or so it seems. Their being behind a pane of glass doesn't keep me from noticing that there are very serious glances being shared between the operators. They must have encountered this before, but at the same time look like they are doing their best. When you are in charge, trying to look like you're doing your best can cause panic among a populace. The king should always save his best option for last, when hopes and expectations are at a minimum and he can look like a real hero for solving an unsolvable problem.

The feelings surrounding this malfunction were all quite negative. Hearing that the ride stopped will probably make readers sorry for the fact that I wasn't able to ride the best ride in the whole park. However, being in the rocket gives one an entirely different experience. Unless you created the ride yourself, the nature of the ride is entirely unknown. What I once thought to be completely infallible suddenly became fallible. But what I couldn't get out of my mind was how similar this was to using drugs. You get high expecting to be taken on a wild African safari, with the drug as your tour guide. What you never know, or no one ever tells you, is that the tour guide is only there for your entertainment: he knows nothing of first-aid or the places he is taking you. The guide in this case is the entire experience, but it is the experience that has no regard for your desires. I realized that even though I cared so much for the drugs I was taking they failed to reciprocate. All they could be is what they are, and that was no longer good enough for me. I thought about whether all this mindless entertainment from Disneyland and drug use was worth it after all. I decided that I would not return to Disneyland, but that to avoid being a downer to everyone I was hanging out with at the time I would put up with everything and continue on each of the rides. Disneyland was supposed to be the time we all forgot about the message of addiction, so I reserved my opinions for this story. How ironic was it that the place that was supposed to be the most fun in rehab was what really got the message through to me? They say that one of the hardest things for addicts to do is to resist the temptation to replace their addiction with another addiction. But for me, I realized how horrible addiction was as soon as I started replacing it with Disneyland. It made me realize the essence of addiction, no matter the object of the addict's affection. Addicts want nothing more than to have their lives be effortless and easy. For them, the biggest problem in their lives is the thing that they wanted to believe was their solution to everything. Life as an addict seems to deny the most fundamental aspects of existence; it is a world where Free Will is ignored and the ultimate fantasy is to repetitively live out the same high, over and over again.

After we tried out the new California Adventure Park, the nightly Disney parade was starting, so Blair and I knew it was time to meet up with the rest of the group. As we tried to cross the parade route, we got split up. I decided to go to Tomorrow Land, driven by some unknown force. When I think about all the different places I could have gone instead, I was reminded of the idea that in order for this exact moment in life to be what it truly is, all the casual factors surrounding the moment must be the same. LIfe is constantly changing in the most subtle ways. Economists call this "all things being equal," in which they assume that all the factors surrounding the value of a good are constant so they can focus on the good itself. If anything regarding the events at Disneyland had changed, I might have chosen to go to a different Land. As it so happens, I was lucky to meet up with some of my fellow addicts in Tomorrow Land. What were the chances? If the rest of my group were randomly strewn across the park, would I have run into them sooner or later? How many people had I crossed paths with more than once earlier in the day but had simply ignored because they were strangers? As I contemplated these questions, Blair suddenly came walking toward me. His cell phone was off, but still he had wandered in the exact same direction as I had. What a relief! As they say, "It's a small world after all."

The New Evolution

I changed the things people said it was impossible to change. I did things differently because I liked doing things differently. We are the new evolution, lets start having some fun being weird. This is more important than anything, although it comes off as a compulsion for defiance! To be continued....

Zen Master has Reached Completion

With the interaction with the zen master complete, I am done with the first part of the first world of the big machine: religion. I understand how preachy it may seem, but, hey, that's the nature of religion. DON'T HATE! It seems like my hopes for this story keep growing as I write, but I feel like the premise of the story is pretty ambitious. I would love to have a professional writer write about this topic, but I'm not gonna be able to convince people to write things they don't have the impetus to write themselves. So I guess I will do it myself! For you fanatical readers of my blog, if you're out there, "Meeting with Zen Master" is much longer than it was a few days ago, though its date has remained original. "The New Religion" will be placed at the end of the first world: "Religion," once I have it all done.

The New Religion

You know you have a good leader before he is ever elected or enthroned. Not too early though, when the appeal to power is the strongest. We have to appreciate all the time that goes into producing a personality which coheres with being a good leader. If you try to reduce it to the time when they realized it was what they wanted then you are barking up the wrong tree. That moment is the simplest, and can be identifiable to almost everyone. The first moment usually happens when someone realizes all the good things about being someone with political power, and hasn't an inkling about all the hardship that must be traversed before and after he ascends to the throne. Therefore, blessed is he who realizes his aspirations over time. If he doesn't, realizing his aspirations all at once, he may be prone to existence which is oriented to new knowledge which is hardship. All the good things that you thought about was only part of the story of political power, and if you didn't realize that then you will be unprepared for what most of it has to off. You must allow your friends and acquaintances to find your inner leader, and to follow their lead when they tell you that you have something to offer. If you can lead a small group of acquaintances to come together, you can often bring a larger group toward a similar recognition.
Upon realizing the power of the national anthem I looked backwards at the things that made this country and what allowed it to continue to exist. I thought about all the men who had sacrificed their lives for the country and how we would be very different without them. I wondered how strong this feeling was in the others, if they wouldn't or hadn't forgotten about how important everything that happened before was. Only one thing had to change and start a chain reaction for things to be completely different, and I wondered if they knew that. I thought about all those men who would have died in vain had not each generation fought in the next war. When I wonder how our society can go into war after war after war for each subsequent generation, I know that the children and relations of veterans have seen the immediate impact of fighting for their country and have faithfully followed in their footsteps. Therefore, blessed is he who realizes the impact of each and every one of his actions and acts accordingly. If I regretted anything it is because I was younger, and if I was younger then I am now older, after having gained knowledge of my impact on the world. If your father would've taken another wife, or if he had met your mother at a different time in his life then you no longer exist. This is the feeling of death before birth. Never get involved in a genetic experiment, because if you do, then your mind will meld with the body you inhabit, and the continuity of your consciousness will be threatened. We will only begin to appreciate our bodies when we feel the way that they are our only foundation of existence. Without them, the intensity of our emotions will never resonate through the entirety of our soul.

Meeting with Zen Master

When I took my eyes off the walls I saw the zen master sitting in the exact center of the room in lotus position. My first thought was to wonder how long he had been sitting there. There was no furniture or anything for that matter, so he probably had been sitting there since his last meal. I did not want to disturb his peace by introducing myself, but I figured that since my conversation would attempt to deeply disturb it I figured introducing myself was not much of a sin.
"Excuse me."
"Yes?"
"Hi, I don't know how I got here but this room is really great."
"Thank you, I painted these walls with my mind."
"I noticed, how long did it take you?"
"Not too long at all, once I was taught how to do it. Would you like to learn?"
"Oh, thank you very much for the offer but I'm here with some questions of my own."
"Really? That's wonderful! Most people just sit here for a long time and expect me to impart my own wisdom on them."
"Well, one thing I find when I meet people is how intimidating it can be when I meet people. It always feels like they measure themselves up to some high standard that I have no idea about. With you though I think it is your smallness that brings me comfort. I know that you have something that takes time and adequate care to render palpable."
"Yes, that is part of my practice, young man. I find that in trying to find my inner smallness I become attuned with my inner self. I become attuned with what is real, not what is far off and powerful."
"I can see that. Often I notice how our measurements define us. People are expected to follow certain rules while they interact. The more fundamental the interact the more rules there need to be to contain that spark and make that spark malleable. Take sports for instance. To play, you must understand the rules, but not what they are based on. You must have a fundamental understanding of the way the forces of the universe interact, but not necessarily what put them there. What you don't need to know though is often the most profound. The rules provide just enough physical space to contain the very best athletes. The fastest pitchers in baseball can throw 100 MPH. This is dominant, but is still hittable for the finest hitters in baseball. Were the proportions different the best would rule the entire sport, but baseball is designed to keep that from happening."
"If you can fit it all in your mind then you will find that you can master anything. Calculus is part of the human mind's relationship with space, and if you can attune yourself with your mind you will attune yourself with everything in it. Do not search for religion in any place other than yourself, for it is taught that the kingdom of god resides in every individual."
"Players talk about the game slowing down or the ball looking big. Can you explain that?"
"That is just a side-effect or manifestation of inner awareness. It is notoriously difficult to explain the nature of awareness, so we quantify it as time slowing down or space enlarging. It is so close, yet so far, because in order to look within we must forget about the things we think we know yet come to know the things we know most deeply. It is a balance."
"So awareness makes the machine big? Is this the true nature of the big machine?"
"This is part of the true nature of the big machine, yes, but you are only at the beginning of your journey and have much to learn. The big machine cannot be grasped without pure awareness, but then again that is the case with everything. You have not gone very far."
"I believe that in order to know anything you must challenge what is immediately apparent, so let me propose to you a very unsettling idea that might help me further my journey."
"Of course."
"I know that yoga and zen have some very similar ideas, and it is one of these ideas that I would like to discuss. You are taught to let things go, that the only way to inner awareness is mindlessness. You are told that you will know what to do when you reach the truly aware moment, and that the practice is preparation to attain the moment but not instruction on what to do once you are there. You say there is no short cut to this awareness, but I know this is false. We are convinced that it takes a long time just so that we can appreciate it and classify it as being rare. Not to mention the fact that the short cut can be extremely unsettling and harsh. Zen masters know that they would lose followers if they conceded this fact. What I am speaking of is feeling yourself disintegrate. You teach that we are to let all things go, but it is in this moment that we must assert ourselves. As we feel our self fly away, we must grab this moment with all that we have, that is the balance which you speak of but do not know. You must realize that you must assert this very experience, and to simply let it go would be undermining the essence of zen. The idea is that the point of zen practice is to lose your self, but if you ignore the sensations that exist during your loss of self then it is all for naught. You cannot continue living this way when you ignore that which is at the heart of your practice. These lyrics keep coming to me, so I must say them, 'no matter how hard you try you can't stop us now.'"
"Young one, I have an answer for your conundrum. There seems to be an irreducible part of the self which lies deep within us. I believe you have found it, but are quite inexperienced with it. It is the irreducible aspect of our existence which will prevent warp speed from ever occurring, for warp speed requires the destruction of every atom of your physical being. What your lyric should say is 'no matter how hard you try you can't write us off.' Souls react to certain frequencies, and if you quiet yourself enough your soul will come rushing out without the need of your self. That is your true self. This is why you can continue to "let things go" and know that you still have something to call your self. However, I believe you are on the right path, because you understand that the irreducible self exists without having to be assured or told of its existence, and that is very important. When you understand your true self you will understand the nature of the big machine, because the big machine is ingrained so deeply into who we are. We have always been working on the big machine. But now we can put this into action. Move along."
When the zen master finished speaking I realized that the idea of plugging myself into the big machine was a false choice. I had always been part of the big machine, but I had never asserted my awareness of it. I guess the big machine was bigger than I ever could have imagined, that it exists outside my awareness and yet inside the workings of my mind. This journey that I had decided to take was under the assumption that I would never fully understand the object of my attention, and that was O.K. with me.

Zen Master's Room

When I walked into the room I noticed the strange symbols adorning the walls. There were goosebumps without a mammalian organism. Not to worry it was only plastered walls with millions of tiny bumps which were part of the wall, little one. Looking at the walls you noticed the symbols and the texture, but each was somehow separate. The symbols were somehow fluid like the paint material they were made from. If you looked at just one part of the image you couldn't see this, but when you looked at the other symbols around the center you could. I say this to bring you into the 4th dimension. For if you were to see the dynamic of movement present in the painting it would make you wonder if this was not somehow a direct representation of the mind of itself. It couldn't have been otherwise. Something so rapid and swirling and electric and layered and green but white and out of control. It was then that you realized that your unconscious works in a pool of chaos. The fluid harbors the electric machine. The fluidity is a naturally occurring phenomena that the mind has apprehended for and by itself. When I looked up at that wall and when I looked into the goosebumps everything broke down yet everything took on a new life. It was at that moment that I realized the true nature of reality. I was done searching far above and wide for it. The building blocks of consciousness were all down below, where few have searched, but some have come out from there with glory.

But how did it manage to get up on this wall? The mind must have imprinted itself upon this image. But not directly. Our minds have the need to express themselves, whether you're a human or not. The expressive people have found a part of the brain, not part of their personality. This makes me think about super-expressive, language-lacking animals. This also makes me think that expressive people find their greatest expression on a primal level. When they speak it's like they're speaking for all of us. Leaders are expressive people; expressive people are leaders. So the light of our mind shines up from below. It is the destiny of the human race to shine light on the past, knowing that we contain their brains within ours. Where has progress gotten us? To the point where we can express ourselves well enough to have our image fit reality. These symbols on the walls actually affect the inner workings of our mind when we see something hit so close to home. No longer is expression the one way street from apprehension to expression but now we can begin to work backwards from expression to apprehension.

The Beginning Of A New Story

Reading lots of philosophy recently. Came up with a story idea. The beginning line is, "One day, a boy who always, always, always, always wished to be innocent plugged himself into the big machine." It will be a little bit like the Inferno, but not stylistically. I hope to write episodes in which I visit different realms of the big machine which is probably closest conceptually to the internet or the Inferno. I really liked doing my Disneyland posting about 16 months ago, and I hope this will be a joy to write as well. Will be posting bits and pieces up here for a while. Title will give you some idea about what's going on.

Why I Can Trust You

I find that I always wish people trusted me more. No, it's not that they don't trust me because I'm untrustworthy. The reason is that I wish I were trusted on things that are hard to trust people with. Let's say I have thousands of your dollars in the stock market (Dad) and gave you the orders to sell. You didn't sell. I'm not holding this against you, Dad, but I am trying to note that if people trusted me they would benefit. I know it's hard, but often people know about things that you don't know about. Therefore, trust takes place on things that you often have little knowledge on. I will trust you knowing that even though I know little on the subject, I can concede that you may know a great deal.

What is Love?

Have you ever been in love? Do you have deep fantasies? What is it like to lose yourself in another person? What does love do to you?

"Loves makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston

Built to impress means built to love. You can risk looking like a kiss ass to anyone who just doesn't understand. When we're kids we're taught by our peers that trying to impress the teacher is something the losers do. What we don't realize is what we're losing by framing those people as losers. They say love is about taking risks but the greatest risk is whether or not your character and ideas will be accepted or not. The risk is to speak the truth and hope that others will recognize it. Sometimes we say how unwilling we are to take risks, but the sheer act of being open enough to express something that you may have a deficiency about is risky. Therefore, love is paradoxical. I love you without knowing the real you (if you're projecting your own love on them). I love you even though I know everything about you (I recognize the bad parts of everyone and everything enough to be able to reconcile). I will take the chance here to say that love can be found almost anywhere. Especially even when you're down and out.

Love as an evolutionary phenomena. This is why it makes you crawl out from your hiding place. Plato's Cave. The reason we leave is out of love. We describe love without knowing what were doing by saying "you must." "You must leave the cave for the good of your soul." For those in love there's no other option, which is why life becomes unbearable without it. Your actions in love are reinforced by a strength of will which is impossible without love. When you accomplish something it is best when inspired by love. Love of what you're doing is the only thing that allows you to do something great. The nature of love means that others probably love what you're doing and really appreciate your accomplishment.

Love as primal unity. "Love conquers all." If you let it. Why don't we go look at the stars tonight and see what they tell us? Or, for that matter, we can climb the hill and overlook L.A. How romantic. What feels so strange? I say, its the fact that we can only see one thing other than the void. The universe is made of the same thing reproduced in different coordinates. Look at the contrast! White/Black. Light/Ether. Energy/Space. If aliens are trying to communicate with us were missing it because it seems to be regular light waves. Ohm is a code. Language is a code. "The message is the medium." The point here is that at a certain distance, everything melts together. It is when everything melts together that we see love. It is like metal getting melted down into its core elements. Love is pure, love is core, love is unity. Think of your soul melting away and the only thing that remains is the pure energy of your love. If you can do this you will realize the unity that is a part of our universe. If everyone has the potential for this experience, then what keeps people from love?

Love as going wrong. Love goes wrong when you don't carry it with you through and through everything you do. Sometimes people find love and what pulls them away from it is temptation. Let's say that you have found the magnitude of love's universality, the temptation is to start to simplify. You see the inner workings of love and your perception and it suddenly becomes extremely tempting to extend love where it does not belong. Love gets in the cracks and permeates everything, our mind does not. So when our mind experiences love its tries to shortcut by using a false assumption. This quite ironic, as it is the universality of love that gets recognized and then immediately humanized. In this case, we need to recognize that aspects of love that transcend our consciousness. Love is a useful tool for consciousness, but it also brings out the limitations of consciousness. "That does it." Can mean many different things...

One might wonder whether love is the only thing which makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place. I wouldn't deny that. If that were true then all of the bold friends I love so much know what I am talking about and how I feel about them.

The Know-Nothing Heart

The sounds had purpose. They did not distract. They had no knowledge of anything outside of themselves. They were not over-powering. I knew what they were doing, and knew they were incapable of anything else. They are garbage trucks. In fact, this was the only thing I really know. It was the only thing I had to know. I was on top of the world. But I only knew that world through my "mindless eye." I use links this time only because I recognize gaps in our knowledge and wish to close them with an inadequate, but quick and easy solution. Mindlessness is not like this. Sometimes I wonder if we only know mindlessness through our mind, which posits certain characteristics on mindless experience. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing driving a mindless being is purpose. Sometimes I wonder if there is a nugget of mindlessness inside of each mind. That would mean I could have a mindless meditation as I am writing this. I believe that. I now command you. Go mindless then say the first thing that "pops" into your head. This is how we come to know mindlessness, by forcing ourselves to act fast enough that our higher mind doesn't have a chance to act.
And when I say fast enough I can also mean early enough in childhood. The id demands that it get everything that it wants, and we can see the consequences. People know, even if they don't really realize it, when you're different, and they know when someone's depraved and lacking a satisfied id. It's the depraved ones who feel like they can't get what they want. Your parents lacked a satisfied id and so didn't know how to satisfy you. It isn't that difficult, but it's a disease. People pick up on that, and seem to wonder what it is about you that could be so impossibly fucked up. But its too late, and no matter what they do they can't replace your prior experience with something which is more endurable, or maybe more sociable. What they don't know is what they're on to, but their premise is wrong and they don't know it, forever condemned to be butting up against a wall they don't know is there. "He must be dancing."
So lets say you're not one of those unlucky ones, that you got everything you asked for as a child. "My dad says that's bad." So there you are, thinking that you're going to get everything you want, for no real reason other than that's how its been. So now you think you need to break the cycle, by starting to predict experience that is unique to you. Cool it buddy, you don't need to move that quickly, you still have something to discover before moving on. But you know this already, but you may have also moved on from this. Freud says everyone moves into maturity at some point, learning that they can't get everything they want, this brings in the super-ego. But the theme here is acting early, and what you have if you're one of these people is that you have the potential to have a completely clear mind. Parts of mindlessness inhabit your normal mental state while you, unknowing, haven't known anything else! Maybe you have no anxiety but can't understand why anyone would ever have any.
You have what you need but your innocence is taken away. This is when you tend to grab what's closest to you and hold on for dear life. Everything is falling around you and your integration is flying out the window so you hold on for dear life. She's holding on for dear life so you hold on for dear life. They're telling you lies so you hold on for dear life. When people are acting like idiots you fall away from them. Sometimes the dark side pushes you away from it. Sometimes that keeps you more on track than the light. My next post will also be on the subject of mindlessness, but of a very different form.

Arise!

How do we transcend the subject/object duality and understand how much more we need to extend the field of subjectivity. Not so far as objectivity but further than we'll know. I think people get bored with God because we have no way of truly knowing him. Also, people feel that all we really need to know about him is laid out for us. No one wants to fill in the details because they feel their opinion is completely arbitrary and lacking any sense of validity or verify-ability. People don't want to think for themselves because it's a lot of work and they don't know how rewarding it is. Big Brother wants you to believe that thinking for yourself will hurt you. Combining all knowledge together and saying that ignorance is bliss is ignorance. The idea that you can know and judge all forms of knowledge is ridiculous, but if it hurts it hurts. Just know that if all knowledge could be categorized, our brains wouldn't have much ordering to do, and would then lose a great amount of ambition and drive to understand.

Sun Position

Whoever put me here wasn't very creative. I like to visit here from time to time, but I can't stay very long. People look at me and I just stare, sometimes its hard to imagine what people see in me so I do nothing at all so as to keep what's close a mystery. This can have its advantages: if no one sees you they can make up whatever they like about you and then fear the day they meet the real you. But I stick around, and although I'm never still, I'm always over your shoulder and my energy persists. To you, I'm only around half the time, busy with myself. When you tell me this I reply that if I could change I would, but things were like this long before you were born. It's amazing, you're more personal with me than anyone else, and yet I don't treat you like you're special. I don't know how I could treat anyone special being as I do my best for everyone, day-in, day-out. In me you see your finer senses tingle. In me you know you'll get hurt if you get too close. Whatever you did to acknowledge my existence made it harder for you to do over time. In fact, someone caught you speaking to me and had you put in the looney bin, where there are no windows and you can no longer see me. What do I care? I have millions of lovers. This conversation isn't even taking place, because I'm the freaking sun! I had you put in here in the first place, so how lousy I really am?

Starlight

Is there anybody out there?
Once we have lost control we lose certainty. One may go so far and say the only things that exist are here. A younger me, or anyone who would put others down for their short-sightedness which is actually just knowledge regarding what we can or can't do and acting on it morally or not. We see inside and out, which "only goes to show" that our minds operate one way but may see most things provided they have been "hanging 'round" during the extraordinarily long years of godly evolution. Lets take one to see what we see. Gravity as as stable and ancient as anything humans have interacted with or even received information about. We can feel and we can see, and by drawing a distinction we can learn. "Back to reality whoops there goes gravity." Gravity had been around and we knew it well enough to be able to sustain ourselves within its laws. It surprises me that the laws that govern our universe are stable enough that the Tower of Babel didn't fall due to natural circumstance. But I suppose we haven't been around for long, but still, what keeps us safe from external predators? Why was Issac Newton's apple light enough, or, for that matter, gravity weak enough that it should not knock Newton out? Why isn't the sky falling in? Why aren't anvils falling from the sky? I suppose hail is exception to the rule, but it sure seems like the only exception...Maybe all the best ideas are copy cats. No, not in terms of how they analyzed a problem, but the information they had and the subject matter at hand. If you can figure out that gravity is caused by objects bending the space around them, you really don't change the way we use gravity. Is it all a way of validating your findings, but what good is this knowledge? Maybe all the best ideas are strangely inhuman. The laws of the universe control us to the degree that they are tuned to. So, "turn on, tune in, and drop out." This is actually written like an idea, with its similar subject being the brain and its different perspectives put in threes. There are three lyrics to songs implanted in this posting to give my thoughts a sense of momentary pointedness, only to return to the unknown, its nature represented through the swiss cheesed questions which mount one on top of the other like the Tower of Babel. Some say the best ideas lead to more questions than answers but that says nothing about the specificity of the ideas themselves. Thoughts and ground-breaking theories come unexpectedly, they leap out of no where and seem so clear when they reach the surface. When we wonder where that idea came from, we know that sometimes thinking is done best when you are blind-folded. What is most important is the feeling of yearning for an answer to your question and maintaining the hope you have for coming up with an idea that surprises you and is new to you. it is impossible to say the most important part of thinking because of the inter-dependance of each act of thinking. The reason we go through the process is because it is ingrained in us, and in those moments of doubt where you can't hang on to anything, you can at least tell yourself that this is where I was when I was perpetually on the brink of discovering something, anything, that was seen at that point to be a personal achievement of greatness. If you let your mind roam free, it will always return to itself, attracted by a rare opportunity to look over itself and see the same things in a different light. We know that there will always be something to learn, but one now wonders where we are.

Found This On Dad's Computer

Found my college application's personal statement essay, feel free to read it. Written in late 2004.

The Infinitesimal.
Without hesitation, I will say that reflection upon its impact, significance, and implications has been the most important factor in my life attitude. It has always seemed to me to be such an overriding factor and undeniable truth that I could not help but think of. This, compounded with what I perceive as a complete either psychological denial of this truth or insufficient ability to comprehend the magnitude of the subject on the part of my fellow man led to a period of slowly compounding angst and discontentment with life that only has lifted from my shoulders in relatively recent times.
Flashback to my creation. I was two single cells (depending on one’s definition of consciousness), with little or no awareness. Ten earth orbits later, my brain had processed stimuli in such a way that I began resenting the biological reality that is existence. I suppose, looking back, it was my perfectionism coupled with my sudden realization that the theory of evolution and our limited biological nature guaranteed that humankind is stuck doomed to a stagnant state of unknowing that was a shock to me. However, it was not only these thoughts that caused such a stir, it was time’s relation with biology and infinity that played a more profound role in shaping my psychology at that point. This relationship, in Eastern thought, is that reality is an illusion. Therefore, everything will eventually fall apart and stop existing. In the end, everyone will be forgotten, and there is nothing to prevent it.
It was for these reasons that I became a staunch atheist in fourth grade, as I saw religion as the mass denial of the former truths. By 10th grade, not much else had been added to this list. But from 15 and 16 I found more reasons to be angry. My most profoundly impacting conviction was that our world was extraordinarily fake. Looking back at my journal at the time, I see plans for a movie scene. A man walks down a hall with false realities surrounding him in the rooms beside him, and all he can do is walk indecisively, futilely, and persistently. What caused these thoughts was extreme discontent with the societal pressures that surrounded society. “We are but pawns in a game of life structured on our fear of being different,” reads more of my journal. There was a seemingly insurmountable façade that loomed over my life, and it was unbearable.
Finally, one more idea that threw me into my lethargic, apathetic state: the meaninglessness of life. Humanity’s pursuits are so diverse that there seems to be nothing we can point to as a Reason. One thing remains constant: there are no Absolutes; ergo, no Absolute meaning. If man is unconscious of a purpose in life, and there is no higher power, why exist? Atmospheric pressure was rising with philosophic nature, idealism, and perfectionism, and it seemed like the ceiling was quite near.
In times of reflection on our infinite reality, I would often imagine everyone’s ego as points in an infinitely vast space as small balls of light, breathing and observing. Naturally, some would darken, and be replaced, and I sped up this process in my mind. Before, when I thought about my own eventual extinguishment, I would stop my imagination at what was psychologically unacceptable. Eventually, I realized I just had to accept it. I released my ego. When my life starts to be sucked from my soul, I will be okay… I AM OKAY, I thought. And then relief came. I was free, I felt sweet freedom.
So where do I go from here? After accepting insignificance to the point of losing so-called ego, one must start making decisions. So much is changed. Let us focus on three things for brevity: intellectual growth, morality, and the constant human struggle for freedom.
I consider wisdom, the expansion of my knowledge, and the intricacies of the mind essential to life. The responsibility of always being engaged falls squarely on my shoulders and though social life is fascinating, learning about things that compel me and making my mind as active and complex as possible makes living worth the trip. If anything, it is this complexity that is the most important in the history of man. Somehow, beings with consciousness and free will have arisen from a strictly governed universe of matter is amazing, and we must appreciate it. The earth is incredible because of its fertility. It is a hotbed of growth, and a mind becomes great the same way: through cultivation and growth. Intellectual prowess is free will, which is the only tool we have to better the world.
Morality is a socially and evolutionary constructed concept, and when we accept it, we must define it. I chose altruism. Considering my selflessness, this is a major factor in my morality. Unquestionably, there are things greater than the individual. We can only passionately promote knowledge.
If one sees existence as dictated by various forces, one is seeing the truth. However, if obstacles are concentrated on, they become not only psychologically taller, but the time one puts forth to break them down is lessened, exacerbating the problem. I am not in a state of denial of these truths, but I do choose to concentrate on defeating these evils rather than seeing them as unbeatable. One must accept that absolute freedom is unattainable, but we can sure do our best to lead ourselves and others in the right direction. Existence is a forever long, slow struggle in the right direction, and I intend to put forth all my effort to move that way.

Jokes

Just some jokes its a new format, not a career....

When I was little I asked where my name came from.  My Dad said he named me after Alexander the Great.  When you're little its implied that you don't ask questions about things you don't think you judge that you can't understand so I never pushed him any further and neither did he push himself any further.  For those of you with liberal parents congratulations I will now present you with something you might be familiar with: a dunce cap for asking too many questions.  By the time my other siblings came around I would look through those books every God-fearing-family-oriented couple had which all children loved at least one entry in.  Yea, one of those baby name books which effectively tells us what people who had our name before we ever had them have built up as a reputation which really only re-enforces a child's appreciation for an unknown and inexperienced past of ancestral glory.  I read that my name meant "warrior," go figure.  As a child I was proud to have a name like that, and planned to uphold my duty as a protector of any and all virtues I might dream up or adopt.  I don't know if you know what Otter Pops are but they're frozen popsicles that are flavored, and each flavor has a name.  This is where things get very confusing.  

FLASH FORWARD

"Why are you so defensive, Alex?"

FLASH BACKWARDS

"What would you like?"

"How many grape soda's do you have?"

"Six."

"Okay, I'll have six grape sodas, please."

"Are you sure, son, you don't want to leave some for the others?"

"Yes, they know who to come to if they want some.  Where's the regular Friday cashier?  She gives it to me without sass, and if you refuse well then I might not buy grape soda from you any more."

"I'm new here and I already know that that's a lie, son."

"What are you talking about?  No, I mean, which lie are you talking about because they're all lies."

As you can see, when I was young I was not only a shrewd customer but also assertive, passionate (for grape soda), monetarily opportunistic (if you don't know what that is just think about supply and demand), and a voice of the people.  Incidentally, those are the four essential qualities of my soul which I posted on my match.com profile.  Don't ask any questions, I told you that already!

Herman Hesse

(Written in song form in case I make a song with these words.  However, I think that the structure adds to the effectiveness and message of the poem.  This is because the repetition emphasizes the shifting perspective of the lyrics.)

You wrote my life's story for me

Never got the chance to thank me

Never thought to thank yourself

We watched the pitiful beggars

We replaced them with ourselves

Everyone around us turned away

Can't live where awareness is waning

Lies are segregation and perpetuation

Break the cycle

Advance into our quiet independence

We need a New Order

Agreeable and Accessible

Truth is found where no one else goes

I will find you in the deepest meditation

Everyone around us turned away 

Can't live where awareness is waning

Resistance leads your effortless abandon

"Numbness will take you over one day"

"Lies push me away"

Objects are obstacles

Desire and Lacking in Humans and God

Bear with me on this one.  I like it and think it's worth my time and worth posting.  The interesting thing about this entry is that it is heavily influenced by Lacanian psychoanalysis which I have been reading again the last few days.  (All the stuff relating to desire, lacking, and subjectivity.)  The first part is pretty sketchy but I try to make some good points.  If you get bored of the first part scroll down to the numbered points and read from there.

The reason human beings can complete every single simple task in our lives is because evolutionarily we respond to certain needs.  Acts such as moving the Christmas tree out to the trash or opening a door are made possible by the foundation of creation and capabilities.  We create things to use, and even though a dog may be stronger and faster, he cannot use technology which may someday negate his evolutionary advantage.  His hard-earned speed and strength come from a history which is being made into a forgotten prehistory.  Whereas environment has created him, human ingenuity is now creating us.  Cars are operable because you use your hands and feet to control the vehicle.  However, the adherence of all drivers to a moral code controlling each and every one of us is the distinctly human creation which keeps streets safe.  There are two types of control here, and if we put ourselves into the minds of dogs we may gain something.  For the, cars are pure enjoyment.  All the movements of the car seem to them to be completely arbitrary and different.  A dog's favorite thing to do is put his head out of the window, where it is not the visual clarity provided by the movement but the experience of the air pushing into his face.  He longs for the "new" which creates a state of static euphoria.  This is reserved for the specific experience of having his head out of the window.  When called he pulls his head out from the window and I close it.

"What is the point of all this rambling?"

Well, thematically this is about the difference between human and animal consciousness, where humans can be faulty, and what we may learn from the animals.

If we take the example of, say, the Garden of Eden we may be able to say something about man's relationship with God.  In Genesis, God is seen as an all-powerful creator who made man apart from the rest on a day dedicated to man.  (Sunday being apart as well...for God...or God created it for himself.)  God's power is namely as a Creator, and, just like humans, is not in control of the actions chosen by his children.  In our modern American society, our creations (technology) are growing faster and faster leading to less and less control.  The standard of living may be seen as the main ideology which contributes to the ideal of endless growth.  It has been proven in psychological studies the rich people are more often depressed than the meek and humble.  The myth of material objects is Nietzschean in its characterization: humans create needs such as God.  We seem to think that we can know things which are created out of need. There is a fundamental lacking present in this line of thinking.  Need is extremely shifty and thousand-faced which is why it never amounts to a conclusion.  Maybe we can feel like God in the one-sidedness of the nature of creation.  Here is the central point: we can only really know God through his flaws and imperfections.  The authors of the Bible have identified the flaws in themselves as imperfections in Nature, which was that inability of God to know everything.  (This may be the reason why God "doesn't care about you because he controls everything.")  God's most important and perfect act is flawed, so how can we believe we are on the right track?

"But what does this say about the nature of creation?"

1) How fast is creation?

2) Does it know itself?

3) Is it inspired by something greater than oneself?

4) How does one become creative or is one made creative?

Heading for stream-of-consciousness

Below are three thought patters a page long each. I wrote them in a 2 hour sitting at the library which is unusual for me. I hope you enjoy this I'd love feedback.

I compliment myself more than anyone

I compliment myself more than anyone

    A) I compliment myself more than (I compliment) anyone (else).

    B) I compliment myself more than anyone (compliments me).

    C) I compliment myself more than anyone (compliments themselves).

The greatest part is never seen

This is mostly my fault

It would just be too weird and too different

A little rearranging can go a long way.

It's actually quite obvious and juvenile

As soon as I show you the deceptive nature of

Language and Habit

That the multifaceted is nothing more than a few steps & reflections away

It arises out of the language to become

Subjectivity and grammatical subjects

We learned those in Elementary school

But it never has been more clear to me than now

But why do I compliment myself more than anyone?

I could just tell all my friends everything

But even that wouldn't be enough, would it?

Are you your own best critic or reader

Probably so in terms of the significance of it all

But your unconscious remains a mystery to yourself

But why, again?

Am I under ever-under-appreciated

I think that personal gratification and fulfillment

Come in the moment of surprise

When you realize something unknown 

And you think to yourself 

And you know

And you feel

Your unique nature on display

My Fingers Are Slowly Changing Into Pens

If the pen is a weapon why isn't it lethal?

Who can be reached with such ideas?

How does an understanding develop?

These days there is so much going on

People can pick and choose anything that fits or suits them.

What world am I from?

How about a place where people try to see everyone and everything?

Sure, that's nice.

There is no understanding that is not new.

The subconscious is said to be impossible to be experienced

But isn't there some way to prepare it before it does what it does?

Isn't thee a way to see, if not experience, the thing that houses us?

How do you know that you have a deep thought?

There is always an unknown which accompanies something original.

The best way to experience the unconscious (or anything?)

Is to see it as it really is.

How do we touch the unconscious without feeling it?

How do things that lack consciousness have such power?

I suppose this is what causes certain feelings like

Magic; Wonder; Powerlessness; Disjointedness; Inadequacy

Gosh I hope I'm right about this

A pen is a weapon

Might be changed 

A pen is a form of expression we can use to explain the range of feelings we possess

Which means that a pen is an instrument

A pen can be almost anything you know

So don't be surprised if it makes you empowered

We only call it a weapon because it's far enough away from our ordinary experience of it

Don't underestimate the potential of the pen

It will stay static and yet evolve with us/use

A pen is a sooth-sayer which reveals our strengths and inadequacies.

Strength (is earned)/Defiance (is reliant)/Knowledge (is power)

I know exactly who I used to be

I've got my goody's hood on

As if I'm shut off to the world

As if I can't be who you want me to be

As if I can't be bothered

I will return insight and live like it's everything to me

Where most spit cliche and social enforcement

I will robe the way I always do

My home is advanced and thought-out

For others, it's the way it is

For others they live in a home they've been in all along

Nothing Changes

What is the value of honesty?

It is so easy to lose yourself

In arrogance over others

When will you know it?

Arrogance is a by-product of a deeper will to understand

Arrogance is that pesky trap 

Where you return to what you have left

If you sent a message from the other side

Would it be eye-opening?

Would you be the subject?

Even, what got us here?

I don't think habit is near reality

I don't think I share this with many others:

Who we are has nothing to do with what we want

The wants are enforced by people who have never known

The joy of an honest existence

They are so heart-broken that they don't even know it

Reading Letter From The Most Neglected One I Know

Having thought out all the possibilities I turned to write a letter explaining in detail everything that might happen and everything that passes across the bottleneck called my brain.

And when I finished this most personal of letters.

This most deep part of the blandness that is my life.

I was met with confusion and fear to the point that it slowly leaked out being drawn out by the need for someone to understand and explain this letter other than themselves.

My mom showed me a letter from her friend friend which prompted this.

Idea Page

Whatever is holding me down

Velvet underground

Fate is static

Large curly hair like Issac Newton or any famous person then

No one thinks about it

No one feels it

Few have even heard it

What holds me up?

What's always following me closely?

I liked me a lot a lot more looking back on it then

Loving everyone more than anyone but not enough

Seemed as easy as pie, seemed as clear as anything

I guess I just don't know

Better play it safe

Where can a man not be free?

Head up high

Price of freedom

When did I know the bottomless pit 

And

How could I have forgotten

I really want to crawl into bed now