Found This On Dad's Computer

Found my college application's personal statement essay, feel free to read it. Written in late 2004.

The Infinitesimal.
Without hesitation, I will say that reflection upon its impact, significance, and implications has been the most important factor in my life attitude. It has always seemed to me to be such an overriding factor and undeniable truth that I could not help but think of. This, compounded with what I perceive as a complete either psychological denial of this truth or insufficient ability to comprehend the magnitude of the subject on the part of my fellow man led to a period of slowly compounding angst and discontentment with life that only has lifted from my shoulders in relatively recent times.
Flashback to my creation. I was two single cells (depending on one’s definition of consciousness), with little or no awareness. Ten earth orbits later, my brain had processed stimuli in such a way that I began resenting the biological reality that is existence. I suppose, looking back, it was my perfectionism coupled with my sudden realization that the theory of evolution and our limited biological nature guaranteed that humankind is stuck doomed to a stagnant state of unknowing that was a shock to me. However, it was not only these thoughts that caused such a stir, it was time’s relation with biology and infinity that played a more profound role in shaping my psychology at that point. This relationship, in Eastern thought, is that reality is an illusion. Therefore, everything will eventually fall apart and stop existing. In the end, everyone will be forgotten, and there is nothing to prevent it.
It was for these reasons that I became a staunch atheist in fourth grade, as I saw religion as the mass denial of the former truths. By 10th grade, not much else had been added to this list. But from 15 and 16 I found more reasons to be angry. My most profoundly impacting conviction was that our world was extraordinarily fake. Looking back at my journal at the time, I see plans for a movie scene. A man walks down a hall with false realities surrounding him in the rooms beside him, and all he can do is walk indecisively, futilely, and persistently. What caused these thoughts was extreme discontent with the societal pressures that surrounded society. “We are but pawns in a game of life structured on our fear of being different,” reads more of my journal. There was a seemingly insurmountable façade that loomed over my life, and it was unbearable.
Finally, one more idea that threw me into my lethargic, apathetic state: the meaninglessness of life. Humanity’s pursuits are so diverse that there seems to be nothing we can point to as a Reason. One thing remains constant: there are no Absolutes; ergo, no Absolute meaning. If man is unconscious of a purpose in life, and there is no higher power, why exist? Atmospheric pressure was rising with philosophic nature, idealism, and perfectionism, and it seemed like the ceiling was quite near.
In times of reflection on our infinite reality, I would often imagine everyone’s ego as points in an infinitely vast space as small balls of light, breathing and observing. Naturally, some would darken, and be replaced, and I sped up this process in my mind. Before, when I thought about my own eventual extinguishment, I would stop my imagination at what was psychologically unacceptable. Eventually, I realized I just had to accept it. I released my ego. When my life starts to be sucked from my soul, I will be okay… I AM OKAY, I thought. And then relief came. I was free, I felt sweet freedom.
So where do I go from here? After accepting insignificance to the point of losing so-called ego, one must start making decisions. So much is changed. Let us focus on three things for brevity: intellectual growth, morality, and the constant human struggle for freedom.
I consider wisdom, the expansion of my knowledge, and the intricacies of the mind essential to life. The responsibility of always being engaged falls squarely on my shoulders and though social life is fascinating, learning about things that compel me and making my mind as active and complex as possible makes living worth the trip. If anything, it is this complexity that is the most important in the history of man. Somehow, beings with consciousness and free will have arisen from a strictly governed universe of matter is amazing, and we must appreciate it. The earth is incredible because of its fertility. It is a hotbed of growth, and a mind becomes great the same way: through cultivation and growth. Intellectual prowess is free will, which is the only tool we have to better the world.
Morality is a socially and evolutionary constructed concept, and when we accept it, we must define it. I chose altruism. Considering my selflessness, this is a major factor in my morality. Unquestionably, there are things greater than the individual. We can only passionately promote knowledge.
If one sees existence as dictated by various forces, one is seeing the truth. However, if obstacles are concentrated on, they become not only psychologically taller, but the time one puts forth to break them down is lessened, exacerbating the problem. I am not in a state of denial of these truths, but I do choose to concentrate on defeating these evils rather than seeing them as unbeatable. One must accept that absolute freedom is unattainable, but we can sure do our best to lead ourselves and others in the right direction. Existence is a forever long, slow struggle in the right direction, and I intend to put forth all my effort to move that way.