Zen Master's Room

When I walked into the room I noticed the strange symbols adorning the walls. There were goosebumps without a mammalian organism. Not to worry it was only plastered walls with millions of tiny bumps which were part of the wall, little one. Looking at the walls you noticed the symbols and the texture, but each was somehow separate. The symbols were somehow fluid like the paint material they were made from. If you looked at just one part of the image you couldn't see this, but when you looked at the other symbols around the center you could. I say this to bring you into the 4th dimension. For if you were to see the dynamic of movement present in the painting it would make you wonder if this was not somehow a direct representation of the mind of itself. It couldn't have been otherwise. Something so rapid and swirling and electric and layered and green but white and out of control. It was then that you realized that your unconscious works in a pool of chaos. The fluid harbors the electric machine. The fluidity is a naturally occurring phenomena that the mind has apprehended for and by itself. When I looked up at that wall and when I looked into the goosebumps everything broke down yet everything took on a new life. It was at that moment that I realized the true nature of reality. I was done searching far above and wide for it. The building blocks of consciousness were all down below, where few have searched, but some have come out from there with glory.

But how did it manage to get up on this wall? The mind must have imprinted itself upon this image. But not directly. Our minds have the need to express themselves, whether you're a human or not. The expressive people have found a part of the brain, not part of their personality. This makes me think about super-expressive, language-lacking animals. This also makes me think that expressive people find their greatest expression on a primal level. When they speak it's like they're speaking for all of us. Leaders are expressive people; expressive people are leaders. So the light of our mind shines up from below. It is the destiny of the human race to shine light on the past, knowing that we contain their brains within ours. Where has progress gotten us? To the point where we can express ourselves well enough to have our image fit reality. These symbols on the walls actually affect the inner workings of our mind when we see something hit so close to home. No longer is expression the one way street from apprehension to expression but now we can begin to work backwards from expression to apprehension.

The Beginning Of A New Story

Reading lots of philosophy recently. Came up with a story idea. The beginning line is, "One day, a boy who always, always, always, always wished to be innocent plugged himself into the big machine." It will be a little bit like the Inferno, but not stylistically. I hope to write episodes in which I visit different realms of the big machine which is probably closest conceptually to the internet or the Inferno. I really liked doing my Disneyland posting about 16 months ago, and I hope this will be a joy to write as well. Will be posting bits and pieces up here for a while. Title will give you some idea about what's going on.

Why I Can Trust You

I find that I always wish people trusted me more. No, it's not that they don't trust me because I'm untrustworthy. The reason is that I wish I were trusted on things that are hard to trust people with. Let's say I have thousands of your dollars in the stock market (Dad) and gave you the orders to sell. You didn't sell. I'm not holding this against you, Dad, but I am trying to note that if people trusted me they would benefit. I know it's hard, but often people know about things that you don't know about. Therefore, trust takes place on things that you often have little knowledge on. I will trust you knowing that even though I know little on the subject, I can concede that you may know a great deal.

What is Love?

Have you ever been in love? Do you have deep fantasies? What is it like to lose yourself in another person? What does love do to you?

"Loves makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston

Built to impress means built to love. You can risk looking like a kiss ass to anyone who just doesn't understand. When we're kids we're taught by our peers that trying to impress the teacher is something the losers do. What we don't realize is what we're losing by framing those people as losers. They say love is about taking risks but the greatest risk is whether or not your character and ideas will be accepted or not. The risk is to speak the truth and hope that others will recognize it. Sometimes we say how unwilling we are to take risks, but the sheer act of being open enough to express something that you may have a deficiency about is risky. Therefore, love is paradoxical. I love you without knowing the real you (if you're projecting your own love on them). I love you even though I know everything about you (I recognize the bad parts of everyone and everything enough to be able to reconcile). I will take the chance here to say that love can be found almost anywhere. Especially even when you're down and out.

Love as an evolutionary phenomena. This is why it makes you crawl out from your hiding place. Plato's Cave. The reason we leave is out of love. We describe love without knowing what were doing by saying "you must." "You must leave the cave for the good of your soul." For those in love there's no other option, which is why life becomes unbearable without it. Your actions in love are reinforced by a strength of will which is impossible without love. When you accomplish something it is best when inspired by love. Love of what you're doing is the only thing that allows you to do something great. The nature of love means that others probably love what you're doing and really appreciate your accomplishment.

Love as primal unity. "Love conquers all." If you let it. Why don't we go look at the stars tonight and see what they tell us? Or, for that matter, we can climb the hill and overlook L.A. How romantic. What feels so strange? I say, its the fact that we can only see one thing other than the void. The universe is made of the same thing reproduced in different coordinates. Look at the contrast! White/Black. Light/Ether. Energy/Space. If aliens are trying to communicate with us were missing it because it seems to be regular light waves. Ohm is a code. Language is a code. "The message is the medium." The point here is that at a certain distance, everything melts together. It is when everything melts together that we see love. It is like metal getting melted down into its core elements. Love is pure, love is core, love is unity. Think of your soul melting away and the only thing that remains is the pure energy of your love. If you can do this you will realize the unity that is a part of our universe. If everyone has the potential for this experience, then what keeps people from love?

Love as going wrong. Love goes wrong when you don't carry it with you through and through everything you do. Sometimes people find love and what pulls them away from it is temptation. Let's say that you have found the magnitude of love's universality, the temptation is to start to simplify. You see the inner workings of love and your perception and it suddenly becomes extremely tempting to extend love where it does not belong. Love gets in the cracks and permeates everything, our mind does not. So when our mind experiences love its tries to shortcut by using a false assumption. This quite ironic, as it is the universality of love that gets recognized and then immediately humanized. In this case, we need to recognize that aspects of love that transcend our consciousness. Love is a useful tool for consciousness, but it also brings out the limitations of consciousness. "That does it." Can mean many different things...

One might wonder whether love is the only thing which makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place. I wouldn't deny that. If that were true then all of the bold friends I love so much know what I am talking about and how I feel about them.

The Know-Nothing Heart

The sounds had purpose. They did not distract. They had no knowledge of anything outside of themselves. They were not over-powering. I knew what they were doing, and knew they were incapable of anything else. They are garbage trucks. In fact, this was the only thing I really know. It was the only thing I had to know. I was on top of the world. But I only knew that world through my "mindless eye." I use links this time only because I recognize gaps in our knowledge and wish to close them with an inadequate, but quick and easy solution. Mindlessness is not like this. Sometimes I wonder if we only know mindlessness through our mind, which posits certain characteristics on mindless experience. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing driving a mindless being is purpose. Sometimes I wonder if there is a nugget of mindlessness inside of each mind. That would mean I could have a mindless meditation as I am writing this. I believe that. I now command you. Go mindless then say the first thing that "pops" into your head. This is how we come to know mindlessness, by forcing ourselves to act fast enough that our higher mind doesn't have a chance to act.
And when I say fast enough I can also mean early enough in childhood. The id demands that it get everything that it wants, and we can see the consequences. People know, even if they don't really realize it, when you're different, and they know when someone's depraved and lacking a satisfied id. It's the depraved ones who feel like they can't get what they want. Your parents lacked a satisfied id and so didn't know how to satisfy you. It isn't that difficult, but it's a disease. People pick up on that, and seem to wonder what it is about you that could be so impossibly fucked up. But its too late, and no matter what they do they can't replace your prior experience with something which is more endurable, or maybe more sociable. What they don't know is what they're on to, but their premise is wrong and they don't know it, forever condemned to be butting up against a wall they don't know is there. "He must be dancing."
So lets say you're not one of those unlucky ones, that you got everything you asked for as a child. "My dad says that's bad." So there you are, thinking that you're going to get everything you want, for no real reason other than that's how its been. So now you think you need to break the cycle, by starting to predict experience that is unique to you. Cool it buddy, you don't need to move that quickly, you still have something to discover before moving on. But you know this already, but you may have also moved on from this. Freud says everyone moves into maturity at some point, learning that they can't get everything they want, this brings in the super-ego. But the theme here is acting early, and what you have if you're one of these people is that you have the potential to have a completely clear mind. Parts of mindlessness inhabit your normal mental state while you, unknowing, haven't known anything else! Maybe you have no anxiety but can't understand why anyone would ever have any.
You have what you need but your innocence is taken away. This is when you tend to grab what's closest to you and hold on for dear life. Everything is falling around you and your integration is flying out the window so you hold on for dear life. She's holding on for dear life so you hold on for dear life. They're telling you lies so you hold on for dear life. When people are acting like idiots you fall away from them. Sometimes the dark side pushes you away from it. Sometimes that keeps you more on track than the light. My next post will also be on the subject of mindlessness, but of a very different form.

Arise!

How do we transcend the subject/object duality and understand how much more we need to extend the field of subjectivity. Not so far as objectivity but further than we'll know. I think people get bored with God because we have no way of truly knowing him. Also, people feel that all we really need to know about him is laid out for us. No one wants to fill in the details because they feel their opinion is completely arbitrary and lacking any sense of validity or verify-ability. People don't want to think for themselves because it's a lot of work and they don't know how rewarding it is. Big Brother wants you to believe that thinking for yourself will hurt you. Combining all knowledge together and saying that ignorance is bliss is ignorance. The idea that you can know and judge all forms of knowledge is ridiculous, but if it hurts it hurts. Just know that if all knowledge could be categorized, our brains wouldn't have much ordering to do, and would then lose a great amount of ambition and drive to understand.

Sun Position

Whoever put me here wasn't very creative. I like to visit here from time to time, but I can't stay very long. People look at me and I just stare, sometimes its hard to imagine what people see in me so I do nothing at all so as to keep what's close a mystery. This can have its advantages: if no one sees you they can make up whatever they like about you and then fear the day they meet the real you. But I stick around, and although I'm never still, I'm always over your shoulder and my energy persists. To you, I'm only around half the time, busy with myself. When you tell me this I reply that if I could change I would, but things were like this long before you were born. It's amazing, you're more personal with me than anyone else, and yet I don't treat you like you're special. I don't know how I could treat anyone special being as I do my best for everyone, day-in, day-out. In me you see your finer senses tingle. In me you know you'll get hurt if you get too close. Whatever you did to acknowledge my existence made it harder for you to do over time. In fact, someone caught you speaking to me and had you put in the looney bin, where there are no windows and you can no longer see me. What do I care? I have millions of lovers. This conversation isn't even taking place, because I'm the freaking sun! I had you put in here in the first place, so how lousy I really am?

Starlight

Is there anybody out there?
Once we have lost control we lose certainty. One may go so far and say the only things that exist are here. A younger me, or anyone who would put others down for their short-sightedness which is actually just knowledge regarding what we can or can't do and acting on it morally or not. We see inside and out, which "only goes to show" that our minds operate one way but may see most things provided they have been "hanging 'round" during the extraordinarily long years of godly evolution. Lets take one to see what we see. Gravity as as stable and ancient as anything humans have interacted with or even received information about. We can feel and we can see, and by drawing a distinction we can learn. "Back to reality whoops there goes gravity." Gravity had been around and we knew it well enough to be able to sustain ourselves within its laws. It surprises me that the laws that govern our universe are stable enough that the Tower of Babel didn't fall due to natural circumstance. But I suppose we haven't been around for long, but still, what keeps us safe from external predators? Why was Issac Newton's apple light enough, or, for that matter, gravity weak enough that it should not knock Newton out? Why isn't the sky falling in? Why aren't anvils falling from the sky? I suppose hail is exception to the rule, but it sure seems like the only exception...Maybe all the best ideas are copy cats. No, not in terms of how they analyzed a problem, but the information they had and the subject matter at hand. If you can figure out that gravity is caused by objects bending the space around them, you really don't change the way we use gravity. Is it all a way of validating your findings, but what good is this knowledge? Maybe all the best ideas are strangely inhuman. The laws of the universe control us to the degree that they are tuned to. So, "turn on, tune in, and drop out." This is actually written like an idea, with its similar subject being the brain and its different perspectives put in threes. There are three lyrics to songs implanted in this posting to give my thoughts a sense of momentary pointedness, only to return to the unknown, its nature represented through the swiss cheesed questions which mount one on top of the other like the Tower of Babel. Some say the best ideas lead to more questions than answers but that says nothing about the specificity of the ideas themselves. Thoughts and ground-breaking theories come unexpectedly, they leap out of no where and seem so clear when they reach the surface. When we wonder where that idea came from, we know that sometimes thinking is done best when you are blind-folded. What is most important is the feeling of yearning for an answer to your question and maintaining the hope you have for coming up with an idea that surprises you and is new to you. it is impossible to say the most important part of thinking because of the inter-dependance of each act of thinking. The reason we go through the process is because it is ingrained in us, and in those moments of doubt where you can't hang on to anything, you can at least tell yourself that this is where I was when I was perpetually on the brink of discovering something, anything, that was seen at that point to be a personal achievement of greatness. If you let your mind roam free, it will always return to itself, attracted by a rare opportunity to look over itself and see the same things in a different light. We know that there will always be something to learn, but one now wonders where we are.

Found This On Dad's Computer

Found my college application's personal statement essay, feel free to read it. Written in late 2004.

The Infinitesimal.
Without hesitation, I will say that reflection upon its impact, significance, and implications has been the most important factor in my life attitude. It has always seemed to me to be such an overriding factor and undeniable truth that I could not help but think of. This, compounded with what I perceive as a complete either psychological denial of this truth or insufficient ability to comprehend the magnitude of the subject on the part of my fellow man led to a period of slowly compounding angst and discontentment with life that only has lifted from my shoulders in relatively recent times.
Flashback to my creation. I was two single cells (depending on one’s definition of consciousness), with little or no awareness. Ten earth orbits later, my brain had processed stimuli in such a way that I began resenting the biological reality that is existence. I suppose, looking back, it was my perfectionism coupled with my sudden realization that the theory of evolution and our limited biological nature guaranteed that humankind is stuck doomed to a stagnant state of unknowing that was a shock to me. However, it was not only these thoughts that caused such a stir, it was time’s relation with biology and infinity that played a more profound role in shaping my psychology at that point. This relationship, in Eastern thought, is that reality is an illusion. Therefore, everything will eventually fall apart and stop existing. In the end, everyone will be forgotten, and there is nothing to prevent it.
It was for these reasons that I became a staunch atheist in fourth grade, as I saw religion as the mass denial of the former truths. By 10th grade, not much else had been added to this list. But from 15 and 16 I found more reasons to be angry. My most profoundly impacting conviction was that our world was extraordinarily fake. Looking back at my journal at the time, I see plans for a movie scene. A man walks down a hall with false realities surrounding him in the rooms beside him, and all he can do is walk indecisively, futilely, and persistently. What caused these thoughts was extreme discontent with the societal pressures that surrounded society. “We are but pawns in a game of life structured on our fear of being different,” reads more of my journal. There was a seemingly insurmountable façade that loomed over my life, and it was unbearable.
Finally, one more idea that threw me into my lethargic, apathetic state: the meaninglessness of life. Humanity’s pursuits are so diverse that there seems to be nothing we can point to as a Reason. One thing remains constant: there are no Absolutes; ergo, no Absolute meaning. If man is unconscious of a purpose in life, and there is no higher power, why exist? Atmospheric pressure was rising with philosophic nature, idealism, and perfectionism, and it seemed like the ceiling was quite near.
In times of reflection on our infinite reality, I would often imagine everyone’s ego as points in an infinitely vast space as small balls of light, breathing and observing. Naturally, some would darken, and be replaced, and I sped up this process in my mind. Before, when I thought about my own eventual extinguishment, I would stop my imagination at what was psychologically unacceptable. Eventually, I realized I just had to accept it. I released my ego. When my life starts to be sucked from my soul, I will be okay… I AM OKAY, I thought. And then relief came. I was free, I felt sweet freedom.
So where do I go from here? After accepting insignificance to the point of losing so-called ego, one must start making decisions. So much is changed. Let us focus on three things for brevity: intellectual growth, morality, and the constant human struggle for freedom.
I consider wisdom, the expansion of my knowledge, and the intricacies of the mind essential to life. The responsibility of always being engaged falls squarely on my shoulders and though social life is fascinating, learning about things that compel me and making my mind as active and complex as possible makes living worth the trip. If anything, it is this complexity that is the most important in the history of man. Somehow, beings with consciousness and free will have arisen from a strictly governed universe of matter is amazing, and we must appreciate it. The earth is incredible because of its fertility. It is a hotbed of growth, and a mind becomes great the same way: through cultivation and growth. Intellectual prowess is free will, which is the only tool we have to better the world.
Morality is a socially and evolutionary constructed concept, and when we accept it, we must define it. I chose altruism. Considering my selflessness, this is a major factor in my morality. Unquestionably, there are things greater than the individual. We can only passionately promote knowledge.
If one sees existence as dictated by various forces, one is seeing the truth. However, if obstacles are concentrated on, they become not only psychologically taller, but the time one puts forth to break them down is lessened, exacerbating the problem. I am not in a state of denial of these truths, but I do choose to concentrate on defeating these evils rather than seeing them as unbeatable. One must accept that absolute freedom is unattainable, but we can sure do our best to lead ourselves and others in the right direction. Existence is a forever long, slow struggle in the right direction, and I intend to put forth all my effort to move that way.

Jokes

Just some jokes its a new format, not a career....

When I was little I asked where my name came from.  My Dad said he named me after Alexander the Great.  When you're little its implied that you don't ask questions about things you don't think you judge that you can't understand so I never pushed him any further and neither did he push himself any further.  For those of you with liberal parents congratulations I will now present you with something you might be familiar with: a dunce cap for asking too many questions.  By the time my other siblings came around I would look through those books every God-fearing-family-oriented couple had which all children loved at least one entry in.  Yea, one of those baby name books which effectively tells us what people who had our name before we ever had them have built up as a reputation which really only re-enforces a child's appreciation for an unknown and inexperienced past of ancestral glory.  I read that my name meant "warrior," go figure.  As a child I was proud to have a name like that, and planned to uphold my duty as a protector of any and all virtues I might dream up or adopt.  I don't know if you know what Otter Pops are but they're frozen popsicles that are flavored, and each flavor has a name.  This is where things get very confusing.  

FLASH FORWARD

"Why are you so defensive, Alex?"

FLASH BACKWARDS

"What would you like?"

"How many grape soda's do you have?"

"Six."

"Okay, I'll have six grape sodas, please."

"Are you sure, son, you don't want to leave some for the others?"

"Yes, they know who to come to if they want some.  Where's the regular Friday cashier?  She gives it to me without sass, and if you refuse well then I might not buy grape soda from you any more."

"I'm new here and I already know that that's a lie, son."

"What are you talking about?  No, I mean, which lie are you talking about because they're all lies."

As you can see, when I was young I was not only a shrewd customer but also assertive, passionate (for grape soda), monetarily opportunistic (if you don't know what that is just think about supply and demand), and a voice of the people.  Incidentally, those are the four essential qualities of my soul which I posted on my match.com profile.  Don't ask any questions, I told you that already!

Herman Hesse

(Written in song form in case I make a song with these words.  However, I think that the structure adds to the effectiveness and message of the poem.  This is because the repetition emphasizes the shifting perspective of the lyrics.)

You wrote my life's story for me

Never got the chance to thank me

Never thought to thank yourself

We watched the pitiful beggars

We replaced them with ourselves

Everyone around us turned away

Can't live where awareness is waning

Lies are segregation and perpetuation

Break the cycle

Advance into our quiet independence

We need a New Order

Agreeable and Accessible

Truth is found where no one else goes

I will find you in the deepest meditation

Everyone around us turned away 

Can't live where awareness is waning

Resistance leads your effortless abandon

"Numbness will take you over one day"

"Lies push me away"

Objects are obstacles

Desire and Lacking in Humans and God

Bear with me on this one.  I like it and think it's worth my time and worth posting.  The interesting thing about this entry is that it is heavily influenced by Lacanian psychoanalysis which I have been reading again the last few days.  (All the stuff relating to desire, lacking, and subjectivity.)  The first part is pretty sketchy but I try to make some good points.  If you get bored of the first part scroll down to the numbered points and read from there.

The reason human beings can complete every single simple task in our lives is because evolutionarily we respond to certain needs.  Acts such as moving the Christmas tree out to the trash or opening a door are made possible by the foundation of creation and capabilities.  We create things to use, and even though a dog may be stronger and faster, he cannot use technology which may someday negate his evolutionary advantage.  His hard-earned speed and strength come from a history which is being made into a forgotten prehistory.  Whereas environment has created him, human ingenuity is now creating us.  Cars are operable because you use your hands and feet to control the vehicle.  However, the adherence of all drivers to a moral code controlling each and every one of us is the distinctly human creation which keeps streets safe.  There are two types of control here, and if we put ourselves into the minds of dogs we may gain something.  For the, cars are pure enjoyment.  All the movements of the car seem to them to be completely arbitrary and different.  A dog's favorite thing to do is put his head out of the window, where it is not the visual clarity provided by the movement but the experience of the air pushing into his face.  He longs for the "new" which creates a state of static euphoria.  This is reserved for the specific experience of having his head out of the window.  When called he pulls his head out from the window and I close it.

"What is the point of all this rambling?"

Well, thematically this is about the difference between human and animal consciousness, where humans can be faulty, and what we may learn from the animals.

If we take the example of, say, the Garden of Eden we may be able to say something about man's relationship with God.  In Genesis, God is seen as an all-powerful creator who made man apart from the rest on a day dedicated to man.  (Sunday being apart as well...for God...or God created it for himself.)  God's power is namely as a Creator, and, just like humans, is not in control of the actions chosen by his children.  In our modern American society, our creations (technology) are growing faster and faster leading to less and less control.  The standard of living may be seen as the main ideology which contributes to the ideal of endless growth.  It has been proven in psychological studies the rich people are more often depressed than the meek and humble.  The myth of material objects is Nietzschean in its characterization: humans create needs such as God.  We seem to think that we can know things which are created out of need. There is a fundamental lacking present in this line of thinking.  Need is extremely shifty and thousand-faced which is why it never amounts to a conclusion.  Maybe we can feel like God in the one-sidedness of the nature of creation.  Here is the central point: we can only really know God through his flaws and imperfections.  The authors of the Bible have identified the flaws in themselves as imperfections in Nature, which was that inability of God to know everything.  (This may be the reason why God "doesn't care about you because he controls everything.")  God's most important and perfect act is flawed, so how can we believe we are on the right track?

"But what does this say about the nature of creation?"

1) How fast is creation?

2) Does it know itself?

3) Is it inspired by something greater than oneself?

4) How does one become creative or is one made creative?

Heading for stream-of-consciousness

Below are three thought patters a page long each. I wrote them in a 2 hour sitting at the library which is unusual for me. I hope you enjoy this I'd love feedback.

I compliment myself more than anyone

I compliment myself more than anyone

    A) I compliment myself more than (I compliment) anyone (else).

    B) I compliment myself more than anyone (compliments me).

    C) I compliment myself more than anyone (compliments themselves).

The greatest part is never seen

This is mostly my fault

It would just be too weird and too different

A little rearranging can go a long way.

It's actually quite obvious and juvenile

As soon as I show you the deceptive nature of

Language and Habit

That the multifaceted is nothing more than a few steps & reflections away

It arises out of the language to become

Subjectivity and grammatical subjects

We learned those in Elementary school

But it never has been more clear to me than now

But why do I compliment myself more than anyone?

I could just tell all my friends everything

But even that wouldn't be enough, would it?

Are you your own best critic or reader

Probably so in terms of the significance of it all

But your unconscious remains a mystery to yourself

But why, again?

Am I under ever-under-appreciated

I think that personal gratification and fulfillment

Come in the moment of surprise

When you realize something unknown 

And you think to yourself 

And you know

And you feel

Your unique nature on display

My Fingers Are Slowly Changing Into Pens

If the pen is a weapon why isn't it lethal?

Who can be reached with such ideas?

How does an understanding develop?

These days there is so much going on

People can pick and choose anything that fits or suits them.

What world am I from?

How about a place where people try to see everyone and everything?

Sure, that's nice.

There is no understanding that is not new.

The subconscious is said to be impossible to be experienced

But isn't there some way to prepare it before it does what it does?

Isn't thee a way to see, if not experience, the thing that houses us?

How do you know that you have a deep thought?

There is always an unknown which accompanies something original.

The best way to experience the unconscious (or anything?)

Is to see it as it really is.

How do we touch the unconscious without feeling it?

How do things that lack consciousness have such power?

I suppose this is what causes certain feelings like

Magic; Wonder; Powerlessness; Disjointedness; Inadequacy

Gosh I hope I'm right about this

A pen is a weapon

Might be changed 

A pen is a form of expression we can use to explain the range of feelings we possess

Which means that a pen is an instrument

A pen can be almost anything you know

So don't be surprised if it makes you empowered

We only call it a weapon because it's far enough away from our ordinary experience of it

Don't underestimate the potential of the pen

It will stay static and yet evolve with us/use

A pen is a sooth-sayer which reveals our strengths and inadequacies.

Strength (is earned)/Defiance (is reliant)/Knowledge (is power)

I know exactly who I used to be

I've got my goody's hood on

As if I'm shut off to the world

As if I can't be who you want me to be

As if I can't be bothered

I will return insight and live like it's everything to me

Where most spit cliche and social enforcement

I will robe the way I always do

My home is advanced and thought-out

For others, it's the way it is

For others they live in a home they've been in all along

Nothing Changes

What is the value of honesty?

It is so easy to lose yourself

In arrogance over others

When will you know it?

Arrogance is a by-product of a deeper will to understand

Arrogance is that pesky trap 

Where you return to what you have left

If you sent a message from the other side

Would it be eye-opening?

Would you be the subject?

Even, what got us here?

I don't think habit is near reality

I don't think I share this with many others:

Who we are has nothing to do with what we want

The wants are enforced by people who have never known

The joy of an honest existence

They are so heart-broken that they don't even know it

Reading Letter From The Most Neglected One I Know

Having thought out all the possibilities I turned to write a letter explaining in detail everything that might happen and everything that passes across the bottleneck called my brain.

And when I finished this most personal of letters.

This most deep part of the blandness that is my life.

I was met with confusion and fear to the point that it slowly leaked out being drawn out by the need for someone to understand and explain this letter other than themselves.

My mom showed me a letter from her friend friend which prompted this.

Idea Page

Whatever is holding me down

Velvet underground

Fate is static

Large curly hair like Issac Newton or any famous person then

No one thinks about it

No one feels it

Few have even heard it

What holds me up?

What's always following me closely?

I liked me a lot a lot more looking back on it then

Loving everyone more than anyone but not enough

Seemed as easy as pie, seemed as clear as anything

I guess I just don't know

Better play it safe

Where can a man not be free?

Head up high

Price of freedom

When did I know the bottomless pit 

And

How could I have forgotten

I really want to crawl into bed now

About How We Must Remain Mysteries To Ourselves

I was watching this youtube video with Derrida in it called the problems of deconstruction. Seems like a shitty title considering what was said had more to do with his brains functioning than it had to do so-called deconstruction (whatever that means).  My language her might seem philistine, but I'm trying to spite the French bastard.  

At times I feel like I've done something wrong in my writing.  When I'm falling asleep sometimes I will get the childish feeling that I am naked in front of a group of people.  This fills me with the feeling that I should stop everything at once and burn my papers.  But when I wake I no longer feel that way.  I feel like writing is something that must be done regardless of the way I feel at a certain time.  Since the self-doubt is weaker, I let my behavior win out and I continue to write.  This is a quote from Jacques Derrida on his own work: Imagine a child who does something horrible... and is haunted by dreams of being naked in front of a crowd. In any case, in this half sleep before I fall completely asleep I have the impression that I've done something criminal or disgraceful and I shouldn't have done it.  Someone is telling me "But you're mad to have done that."  And this is something I truly believe in my half sleep.  The implied command in this is "Stop everything! Take it back! Burn your papers!"  But once I wake up, it's over.  What this means or how I interpret this is that when I'm awake, conscious, working, in a certain way I am more unconscious than in  my half sleep.  When I'm in that half sleep there's a kind of vigilance (pathology) that tells me the truth.  First  of all, it tells me that what I'm doing is very serious.  But when I'm awake and working this vigilance is actually asleep.  It's not the stronger one of the two.  And so I do what must be done. 

I feel I knew this feeling, this feeling of ignoring the truth so that my current behavior can continue on.  The feeling that this is the way things are meant to be (outside of my mind).  I knew what it meant to have one feeling win out, but the question is what is going on at that point in time.  People who seek truth out of every crevasse would wonder about such things as well.  What is inside us that decides whether something should be changed or something is too important to be replaced?  I hope that by pairing Derrida's statement with one by Friedrich Nietzsche I can start to answer profound questions like that.  

"So we remain necessarily strangers to ourselves, we do not understand ourselves, we have to keep ourselves confused.  For us this law holds for all eternity: "Each man is furthest from himself."  Where we ourselves are concerned, we are not "knowledgeable people.""

One thing someone not familiar with Nietzsche might miss in this passage is his idea that in order to have a self one must necessarily be somewhat unaware of it.  He would argue that the self is created without our needing to be aware of it.  So what is it that keeps thing hidden?  What is it that perpetually rips seekers of truth from their path and allows them to continue to live based on previous behavior?  More importantly or nobly what is it that gets us to get out there and change who we are?  

Personally speaking my need for experiences which gratify my desire for what is new and foreign and somehow liberating.  I yearn to be immersed in an experience which will teach me something, anything new.  That is why life is so great.  This may be the reason Nietzsche says there is a certain mystery to existence and Derrida blatantly ignores certain states of mind.  

Derrida appears to accept the idea that whatever is happening at the present moment in his consciousness should be followed and believed.  That is how the moment of his dream of childish embarrassment sticks out like a sore thumb and what he calls the seriousness of his act of writing is so violently convincing.  One might guess that if Derrida's perception of reality were constantly changing he would be unable to figure out which was the right one for him to feel.  A reality of extremes in a reality of now.  A reality which is impossible to fit together, each moment isolated from 

Derrida's "problem" (to tie it back in) is that he has doubts as to the essential value of his work.  He has two opposing mind-states battling for control over (in this case) the act of writing.  The problem is that he does not think twice about it, he simply accepts the consciousness he's been given.  The fact of the matter is that regarding the act of writing, Derrida has not thought about it.  The act of writing, for him, is one which needs no second guessing.  Where is this blindness, and why is living easy with eyes closed?  Why is creation easy with eyes closed?  How can creation be so easy?  (I think really creative people live in that space, and that they don't thing too highly of themselves because they know how easy it can be).

Sea of signifiers ----->endless amount of words for derrida to play with-----> never being bored

FRAGMENTS

Aristotle-->Socrates-->Plato
are we to accept this as reality?

Can anything be created without a blueprint? Or, What are the rules of creation?

This is just my mind:
Relentless/Indefatigable
Fuzzy/Furry
Rabbit/Horse
Love/All there is
However/Whenever
(under the rule)

The probe made me realize that telling yourself something will not get the remainder

My comfort level is knowing that my mind is nothing without me

Light being the most fundamental "part" of the universe tells us that something never change

Lonliness bites hard. It comes with something else and crushes you in an instant. Do i want to know where you are? All the nights I spent summarizing anything and everything I could possibly think of were only possible because I felt like I had something I could give to people. What good is random knowledge? What does it say about those who possess it? When my mind clicks it is because its trying to solidify itself.
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When my mind clicks it is because its trying to solidify itself.

What does that look like?